Just a minute, I have a reponse for that...

[JohnH]

Borrowing from JG EA and BP on another string, I decided to start a topic of pithy responses to common client questions. (Feel free to jump in whenever you want).

================================================== ========

Reply to client wanting you to bill them when you know they probably can't/won't pay:

"If I'm going to work for free, I'd just as soon take the time off."

[Nashville]

Cheating

Reply to client who wants you to cheat for him, but then promises if IRS comes down hard he won't tell them his accountant knew anything about it...

" "

[...fill in the blank...]

[BHoffman]

Client: "How can I owe taxes?. I don't have any money!"

Response: "You spent your cash on nice vacations and toys that aren't deductible."

Client: "How do I get out of paying taxes?"

Response: "Don't make any money,"

Client: "How was I supposed to know that I should have made those estimated tax payments?"

Response: "If you had enough to pay your personal bills, that's a sure sign."

Client: "I know I'm going to owe and I don't have the money, so I'm not even going to start getting my stuff together until October and I'll see you then. Okay?"

Response: "No."

[taxmandan]

Got this one off another string last week:

Phone rings.

Caller: "I have a quick question."

Me: "Did we do your tax return last year?"

Caller: "No, but it's just a quick question..."

Me: "OK, let me get your name and address for billing purposes, since I ...hello? hello?"

My wife allows this one, over the other less friendly responses I've used in the past.

[BP.]

Phone rings.

Caller: "I have a quick question."

Me: "Did we do your tax return last year?"

Caller: "No, but it's just a quick question..."

Me: "OK, let me get your name and address for billing purposes, since I ...hello? hello?"

My wife allows this one, over the other less friendly responses I've used in the past.

I like it!

Non client- "Can I just ask a quick question?"

Me- "Yep, you just did."

[JohnH]

Looking at the first turn this conversation has taken, I think it's the appropriate time to trot out this favorite from last tax season:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TkuZ5oI9uY

[Mike Mac]

Clent: But my friend's brother-in-law's second cousin always takes that deduction!!!

Response: Then take your taxes to your friend's brother-in-law's second cousin to get them prepared.

[thomtax]

True story - today

Client - So how much is this rebate?

Me - Do you mean last year's rebate?

Client - No - the one they are giving now.

Me - There's not any rebate now.

Client - Well they wrote about it in the paper.

Me - Yes, they probably did. There are probably 42 stories out there and not one of them based on fact. The writer hears a rumor and writes up a full blown story telling about his version of a rebate. He knows it is not real, but he got paid for the story.

Me - Did you get your rebate last year?

Client - Yes, $1200

Me - The only thing I know of going on now is for those who did not get their's last year.

Client - Oh, I just wondered.

LT

[JG EA]

I had another TP say to me - Well if a Treasury secretary can do it....

Me: "And if everyone jumps off the bridge will you do it also?"

TP: "If everyone jumps off I'll have a softer landing".

[BHoffman]

John H

You have no idea what an impact that "I'm Billing Time" ditty had on me last tax season. I saved the link in my "favorites". I listened to it every single morning. I billed the living daylights out of those very high maintenance PITA clients. I believe my income increased by at least $6,000 due to that song. No, I'm not paying commission

[Jesse]

Bucky, this will always be my favorite:

Things you can do to make me really enjoy our tax appointment.

Always start by telling me how much you meant to be more organized this year. It also helps break up the monotony of my day when you tell me at the time of the appointment how you started your own business last year and now you have a lot of questions.

Bring your kids. Knowing that they’re wandering around my non-childproof office really helps me concentrate, not that we’re doing anything important anyway. Bring your dog, too. Even better, bring the kids and the dog. We all share a laugh when one or the other tugs on the computer cables-- it’s fun to watch the monitor wobble on its swing-arm. And I love the crumb trails your toddlers leave behind them, not to mention the spilled juice or milk on my carpets. Be angry that I don’t have a television for them to watch.

Don’t bother to open the envelopes marked Important Tax Document Enclosed. I really enjoy being your secretary and doing those little things for you. And if you do open the envelopes, leave the documents in them. If you take the documents out of the envelopes, be sure to stuff them in your pocket or just crush them so they’re hard to read. Better yet, spill coffee on them. Then hand them to me slowly, one-by-one, looking at them first like they’re written in Latin. I like the suspense.

Call me at the time of the appointment to tell me you’re just leaving and ask me if I mind if you’re a little late. Or call me at the time of the appointment to reschedule. Even better, just don’t show up, then call me a week later to tell me how sorry you are. Be late or early for your appointment. Tell me you’re late because my directions are wrong. Coming on the wrong day or the wrong time is fun, too. It’s even better when you do it the second week of April and tell me that you don’t mind coming in even at midnight because you want to get the return done.

It’s natural, your God-given right, and truly a beautiful thing when you breast-feed your infant while I prepare your tax returns. Nor do I mind your using my towels to clean yourself when the little tyke spits up. And the smell helps me focus on the task at hand.

Sell lots and lots of stock and have no idea what you paid for it and when. Ask me why you should know that. Then ask me if I can look it up on my computer. And be sure to ask me what all those investment forms mean, and then tell me something’s wrong. Whatever you do, don’t call your broker or investment advisor.

Be sure to forget a W-2 and blame your wife or husband. Ask me if I can look it up on my computer. I don’t mind the extra time it’s going take to finish your return, and I surely wouldn’t think of charging you more because of it. And when you drop off the W-2 and I tell you I’ll get to it as soon as I can, be sure to call me every day to see if it’s ready. It’s more fun when you tell me two weeks after your return is sent electronically that another W-2 you had forgotten about just turned up, and I surely don’t think that your forgetting where you worked is at all odd.

Ask me if I have facilities for changing diapers.

Ask me if I mind watching you eat your lunch while I prepare your return. Just drop the crumbs on my carpet. And be sure to spill your coffee on my desk. I have plenty of towels on hand for those other things.

I just love it when you slide your kids’ W-2s and/or investment forms across my desk and ask if I can do their returns, especially when you tell me how easy they are for me to do and how it’ll hardly take me any time to do it. No, I don’t think a kid in college should really attempt something so difficult as Tele-File or the mysterious 1040-EZ. It’s no problem that when you scheduled the appointment you forgot to tell me that your kid’s return needed to be done and that he has seven W-2s from three states. Of course, I’m really pleased to do them free because they’re so easy.

[BHoffman]

Indeed, that was a classic and a keeper.

[Black Bart]

Abby -- Billing Time

Looking at the first turn this conversation has taken, I think it's the appropriate time to trot out this favorite from last tax season:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TkuZ5oI9uY

You have no idea what an impact that "I'm Billing Time" ditty had on me last tax season. I saved the link in my "favorites". I listened to it every single morning. I billed the living daylights out of those very high maintenance PITA clients. I believe my income increased by at least $6,000 due to that song. No, I'm not paying commission

Abby of Oregon originally posted this wonderful professionally-apt song for us last year. Lucky she isn't "billing (us) time" -- we'd owe her a fortune!

[Jiggers]

More favorites

1. Was I supposed to complete this Questionnaire and/or Mileage sheet (brings blank to the interview)?

2. I got these IRS envelopes back in November (unopened). Do you think they are important?

3. I got this 1099B and do you think you need it (as he is picking up his 1040A tax return)?

4. Why do I only get back $1,200 when my neighbor is getting back $4,000? Maybe I need to go to his accountant.

5. Client's information is received in the mail that I picked up at the post office at 9:00 am. He calls at 11:30 am.........Is my return ready? Like this is the only return I am working on. And then he calls back at 1:30.........Finished yet?

6. Why can't I deduct my daughter's wedding? Everyone said I could. Who is "Everyone" I ask?

[JohnH]

Bob: Glad you like it - I'll have to say it's inspired me to increase my billing as well.

Bart: I couldn't recall who first posted it but I like to acknowledge the contributions of others. Thanks for giving Abby of Oregon credit - she deserves it.


Jiggers: ---> 5. Client's information is received in the mail that I picked up at the post office at 9:00 am. He calls at 11:30 am.........Is my return ready? Like this is the only return I am working on. And then he calls back at 1:30.........Finished yet? <---

A couple of responses:

1) After the first call - "You have a complicated return and so far all I've entered is the income items. My software says you owe about $18,000 right now. I'll be getting your deductions and withholdings entered in the next week or so and hopefully that figure will come down some."


2) After the third or fourth call - "Sorry, but every time you call I pull your return out of the stack to look at it and then I accidentally keep putting back on the bottom of the pile."