Never discuss religion, politics, and

[Black Bart]

Arabian horses with a client. Yes. Arabian horses. Seems like I've chewed this cabbage before, but it's worth a rehash.

Semi-affluent Alaskan couple retire to Arkansas (no--I haven't a clue why, either). First year: Fleeced by shyster (now in jail) lawyer -- $3,800 for 1099s, SS, interest, and Schedule A. Second year, to me -- $350. They're ecstatic.

$3,800 price reminds me of former client. I launch into story (yes, yes; hard to believe); tell them all about it (omitting name, etc.), to wit: Young blonde's heavily-insured, farmer-husband dies suddenly -- leaves her a bundle. Hires tax lawyer who charges her $3,800. Immediately begins to squander entire wad on outrageously expensive indulgences. Buys new stretch limo. Buys ruinously-priced pedigreed Arabian stallion. Second year, to me -- $400. Plunges into absurd boondoggle: buys pickup and tavern for new shiftless reprobate boyfriend who promptly bankrupts bar and, lacking judgment, takes up with barmaid -- drunken brawl ensues -- blonde pulls 12 gauge, misses boyfriend, kills pickup (I get nervous about breaking news of tax due). Almost broke, buys new house with remaining cash, picks up tax -- I never see her again. Interesting case, albeit sad.

Back to the Alaskans:

BB: "Can you imagine anything so idiotic as buying a pedigreed Arabian stallion?"
Mrs. Alaska: "We used to breed and raise them. I occasionally write articles for the "Such-and-Such" Arabian Horse Quarterly Journal."
BB:

Still have them. They're tightwads -- just love my fee.

[veritas]

Aw BB you brought up a subject that can't be left alone. Horsey people. I have them in my family and brother are they possessed or what? What is it about horses and some people particularly of the female gender? It's not just the horse it's the big Dodge diesel quadcab with dually wheels. Then their is the 40ft aluminum Taj Mahal trailer with an apartment up front with every convenience. No place to keep a horse no problem just board it somwhere for a pile of money and you get to clean the stalls out. Let's not forget training and the chiropractor who does what? Did I mention the tack? Fourteen saddles and all the goodies for the horse show in Alberta, Canada.

A hundred grand in no time and then the horse DIES!

[JG EA]

Another past rehash.

Back to the Alaskans:

BB: "Can you imagine anything so idiotic as buying a pedigreed Arabian stallion?"

That reminds me of the time I was talking to a "multi-level marketing" person and I used the word "pyramid". I don't know if you can imagine the reaction. But it was cold and final.

[sea-tax]

Seriously I had a horse lady who came to me this past tax time she was new. Had at least 7 years of losses well over 45,000$ per year. It was a quarter horse business as she called it. Yet she made 150k per year as a realestate agent.

So sea-tax says to her maybe you have a hobby and not a business.

Horse lady says, so ya mean I can't offset these losses with the money from my realestate business.

Seriously I was like com'on ya got to be kidding me. I explaind hobby loss rules and she kindly said I will go home and rework my expenses. Never heard from her again.

[Bucky]

I got one

A couple years ago had husband and wife in for tax appt. We start talking about family and they ask me how my daughter is doing.I go on to tell them how proud we were of year, graduated college in 4 years, good grades, and moved from Ohio to Fla as she always said she was going to do. Then they asked what she was doing. I said " oh she is a dancer or a guess they call them strippers". (I was just kidding) The wife says with a real concerned look on her face, "yours too". I was speechless. It turns out that her daughter is a stripper and the parents were not thrilled with her pick of occupations. I feesed up about kidding and all. The husband even responded that he never saw the taxman speechless before.

[Black Bart]

Resurrection

Ordinarily I don't favor unearthing these relics, but I'm sort of yearning for a yarn and thought maybe some oldies might jump-start a good spat of story-telling. Anybody got any new ones?

[Golden Rocket]

Alabama Customer

Had one in Huntsville, AL who had a refund from Alabama and had to pay Uncle Sam.

She sent the Alabama return to Alabama, but then sent the customer's copy of the Alabama return to the IRS. She got a notice of non-filing from IRS and promptly went into a fit and called me. I went through her stuff and found two 1040s, one original and a copy.

When I got to the bottom of it, she blamed her husband. Said if we sent the Alabama tax return to the IRS they would get a refund from them too. I don't know who was stupider -- the husband if he actually was behind this, or the wife for being both 1)stupid enough to do it and 2)stupid enough to believe I would buy her story.

[geekgirldany]

Goats

I have a customer that is raising goats. She said "I will bring by my photo book next time". Sure enough she did. There they were goats with houses that looked better than my own They really were cute. She knew all of them by name and how many babies they've had. The goats were also very clean. I've never seen such clean goats.

On the stripper side... Well I had my encounter with one when I was working insurance on the side when I first started in taxes. She came in wanting a auto policy. Conversation goes:
Me: What is your occupation?
Her: I am a entertainer
Me: Oh really! What kind of entertainer.
Her: I dance.
Me: Wow! Like what kind of dancing. It sure would be nice to get paid to dance.
Her: I strip.
Me: ---------- Your a stripper
Her: Yes.
Me: ............. Silence
Me: What deductible was that on the auto policy?

I was so naive then. I later told my employer what she did and he just said "well atleast she is working."

[erchess]

A story from me

I was in I think my second or third tax season and I was an even bigger smart alec than I am now. Client calls on the phone and asks if we are going to be open on Friday and if so what hours. I assure her we will and state the hours. She points out that the Friday in question is Good Friday and therefore a religious holiday for many people. She therefore requests that I ask an associate the question and let her hear their answer. I comply very sweetly, even asking our wisest staffer who is across the room but has a booming voice. After letting him speak I said into the phone "Yes, Ma'am it will be Good Friday and we will be right here rendering unto Caesar the things that are his." There was a pause on the other end during which I imagined myself being fired for my smart mouth but then she said "Wow! That is sooo Spiritual."

[Luis Mopeo]

I have a customer that is raising goats. She said "I will bring by my photo book next time". Sure enough she did. There they were goats with houses that looked better than my own They really were cute. She knew all of them by name and how many babies they've had. The goats were also very clean. I've never seen such clean goats.

On the stripper side... Well I had my encounter with one when I was working insurance on the side when I first started in taxes. She came in wanting a auto policy. Conversation goes:
Me: What is your occupation?
Her: I am a entertainer
Me: Oh really! What kind of entertainer.
Her: I dance.
Me: Wow! Like what kind of dancing. It sure would be nice to get paid to dance.
Her: I strip.
Me: ---------- Your a stripper
Her: Yes.
Me: ............. Silence
Me: What deductible was that on the auto policy?

I was so naive then. I later told my employer what she did and he just said "well atleast she is working."

Similar story. This young woman was a sergeant in the Army. She also had some self-employment income. I asked the activity, and she said "entertainer."

"Oh good," I thought. I'd just completed a return for a married couple who were both very involved with a local children's theater. I was all brushed up on tax issues of entertainers.

I didn't ask what kind of entertainer. I just filled out Schedule C, la la la, and then we got to the question of deducting clothing. I explained the rules, talked about Elton John's band and Stevie Nicks who were denied deductions for wild clothes used in their acts because they could be suitable for everyday wear. Were we talking period costumes? Would the clothing be suitable for everyday wear?

"I'm an exotic dancer."

Yup. 'Nuff said. I said "deductible" and moved on.

[Luis Mopeo]

Client was married couple with three kids, low income, EIC, very large refund. I suggested to the payer that he claim additional withholding allowances. He could have significantly higher paychecks and I knew they had to be struggling to get by, and they'd still get a refund next year with EIC. He wasn't interested. I thought it a bit odd, but you never know. Maybe they have a rich uncle.

My wife was working in the front office. After work we were talking and she told me she may have found a good day care lady for our kids, but we'd have to make a decision soon because she was already near the legal maximum for number of kids. "You know, your 6:00 appointment, the one with the day care."

I said "No no no!" and put my hands up over my ears. But too late. They'd been low income big refunds for years, never a word about a successful day care business. I had to fire them.

[JohnH]

Boring Client Base

Wow.
You all have arabian horse owners, people who build goat penthouses, strippers, exotic dancers...

I'm coming to the conclusion that I've got a pretty boring client base.

[Black Bart]

Very entertaining, guys. Thanx for chipping in.

Wow.
You all have arabian horse owners, people who build goat penthouses, strippers, exotic dancers...

I'm coming to the conclusion that I've got a pretty boring client base.

JOHN H:

Sorry to hear about your tiresome taxpayers. I'd invite you to my office to spice things up for you except it's been over a month since we had a shootin' and...

Just kidding, John. That blooded horse deal was years ago and the conversation around here mostly runs to crops, the weather, and other dreadfully tedious repartee.

I am truly missing some of my more colorful clients from the old days. At various times we had: a biker gang member (wanted to establish a church), a professional wrestler (best recordkeeper you ever saw), a heavyweight champion boxer (won several national title bouts), a professional gambler (kept nothing on paper & paid cash for everything), an auto repo man (pistol packer and puller), a "movie-stereotype" vet who ran off an IRS field agent with a shotgun (the "gun-guys" are always interesting), and so-on and so-forth.

Anyway most of my fractious clients have disappeared, died, or mellowed with age, so I'm right in there with you -- around here lately, it's been as exciting as a glass of warm milk.

P.S. I wonder if Dany's and Lou's stripper clients would consider a "payment-in-kind" fee structure (any cites on that, Bees or NYEA)?