Stuff They Don’t Teach You in Tax School

[Bees Knees]

OK, we’ve all had them. Clients that do wired things in your office. I’ll start.

I had a couple that I had been doing for years show up one evening for their tax interview with Daffney, their pet duck. They knew I liked animals and since I had 5 cats and nobody else was in the office that evening, they thought I would appreciate seeing one of their dependents…er…I mean pet.

Daffney sat on Cindy’s lap during the tax interview staring at me, wanting to make sure I didn’t miss anything on their return. As they were leaving, Daffney decided to do what animals do….you know…but not to worry, because Cindy had her little spray bottle of cleaner along to quickly remove Daffney’s handy work from my carpet.

Who’s next?

[Armando Beaujolais]

I've never had client handiwork on the carpet, but I did have a client handiwork on my desk.

My first day with a new firm, second client. It's the mom, the dad, little Johnny, and Baby Suzie. Somewhere between finishing with income and starting on deductions, there's a little - shall we say - aroma that wisps around the room. Look down at Baby Suzie and sure enough. A smile on her face as big as Wyoming.

Without skipping a beat mom grabs the diaper bag, pushes papers aside to clear a spot, puts down a little blanket, and proceeds to change the baby's diaper right there on my desk.

I didn't know what else to do but continue the interview. I had my office door open, and let's just say the other folks in the office who walked past never let me live it down.

[Scarecrow]

Gives you a whole new perspective on saying: “It was a messy return.”

[Gretel]

More animals

Client has two kids around 10. Comes in to drop off some paperwork and son shows me very proudly a small snake in his fist. Of course I think it's one of the play snakes, which just look like they are real.

Oh no. He truly has a beautiful baby snake crawling all over him. Dad wants to continue conversation with me, as though nothing has happened. But I interrupted him to digest my shock and ask sonny some more questions.

By the way: Daughter had baby frog, which I can understand. But a snake?

[Bees Knees]

Uncle David

Uncle David was the brother of the owner of our tax firm from years ago. He was a military guy who smoked three packs a day. He got most of his tax clients from the bar down the street. He bragged about not doing any difficult returns (a Schedule A would have been a difficult return for him). Anytime someone would come in with a house sale (remember when you used to have to file Form 2119?), Uncle David would bring the client into my office and introduce me to my new client. I received quite a few clients from Uncle David.

When we moved over to our new location in Minnetonka in 1994, we had a special office designed just for Uncle David with an overdrive super heavy duty premium deluxe exhaust fan that could suck the smoke out at warp speed, shielding the rest of the office from his cigarette smoke. Uncle David could not smoke anywhere else in the office except behind his closed office door.

I’ll never forget how he would come out to greet his clients in the lobby just before their tax interview. First thing he would say is: “Do you smoke? Good, so do I.” And off they’d go to smoke cigarettes and talk bar talk and military talk and spend three hours filling out Form 1040EZ.

Uncle David retired several years ago. He still drinks and smokes. The withdrawals would probably kill him at his age if he ever tried to quit. Somehow, tax preparation just doesn’t seem the same anymore without Uncle David around to make it interesting.

[Snaggletooth]

The Chihuahua

Yes, I had my own messy encounter with an animal. I will prepare taxes wherever my customer feels most comfortable -- sometimes in my office-in-home, sometimes at their homes.

One Saturday afternoon, I was busy filling out a daycare-in-home wife -- you know where you have to spend at least an extra hour figuring baby food and household expenses with the hours allocation on Form 8829. Can often amount to less than $50 tax payable or refund, since the woman is most likely keeping grandchildren in her own home and not charging much. Definitely not worth the trouble for the IRS or client either one, but is mandatory now that IRS requires the child parents to disclose the SS# of the provider on their 2441. For me it is billable time, but otherwise a real grinding out of useless numbers.

Unbeknownst to myself and my clients, a chihuahua climbed into my wide-open and deep carry-case, curled up and went to sleep. When we arose from the appointment, the dog woke up after leaving a souvenier in the carry-case. None of us knew any the wiser until I placed my clients file in the case.

Lessons learned. The case stays closed from now on.

There are a thousand other stories, many of them about raucous and undisciplined children, but I'll stop with this one. (Unbelievable how every parent thinks his kid is adorable no matter how they act).

Ron J.

[Lance Emerson]

There was a young woman who worked the reception area who had movie star good looks. I was preparing a return for a husband and wife who had their 12-year-old son with them. He caught sight of the receptionist while looking out my office door and it looked like he’d been hit by a ton of bricks. His eyes got wide, his jaw dropped, and he looked stunned.

His dad asked him a question and the son didn’t respond, sonny just sat there with a dazed look on his face. “Billy, Billy!” the dad said as he gave him a little shove. Then the dad looked out toward the reception area. His eyes got wide, his jaw dropped, and he looked stunned.

We’re discussing an issue and all of a sudden the conversation stops and the dad and son are stopped in their tracks.

Then the mom asked the dad a question and he didn’t’ respond and she gave him a little shove. The dad turned with the deer-in-the-headlights look, then the mom looked out to see what all the commotion was about. The mom didn’t have the same reaction as the guys did. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but I remember they both snapped out of it in a hurry and all of a sudden we’re right back on track.

I almost cried trying not to laugh.