Mid-tax season joke break...

[Bees Knees]

A mature (over 65) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[FEDUKE404]

Another one

(Of the classic type)


Tony died and was shortly thereafter sent to be judged.

He was then told that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years... and to enjoy it.

Tony quickly decided that this sacrifice was a very small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this new woman, pretending to be very happy.

As he was walking along one day, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than the one he was with.

When he approached Carlos he asked him whatever was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money."

They both shook their heads in mutual understanding, and figured that as long as they had to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Some time later Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business. Tony and Carlos then saw their old friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel draped on his arm.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how it came to be that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they both were stuck with these awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life. But there is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, '(the word got filtered by TTB...) income taxes!'"

[DaveO]

Okay, I'll play.

An elderly gentleman was enjoying wedded bliss with his much younger wife. After a couple years the young women began longing for a child but despite the best efforts of the old gentleman they remained childless. Finally they went to see the doctor at the fertility clinic. The doctor explained that the young woman was fine and that the problem was likely with the husband.

He explained to the old boy that they would need a “specimen” to establish that he was capable of fathering a child. He gave them a specimen cup and explained to him what he needed to do and once successful to return the specimen in the morning.

The next day the old gentleman showed up at the doctor’s office long faced with an empty cup. The doctor looked at it and said “No luck huh”.

The old boy said “no, I tried first with my right hand and then with my left but no luck”. “So then I called on the wife, she tried first with her right hand and then with her left.” Then she tried between her legs and even used her mouth”.

The doctor’s eyes widened at this point. The old boy went on, “Then we called the neighbor lady over”. “The neighbor lady”, gasped the doctor!

“Yep”, said the old boy. “And she tries with her right hand and then with her left, she tried sitting on it and between her legs and even used her mouth just like my wife”. The doctor’s jaw drops in amazement.” Finally she ran hot water over it and banged the dad blamed thing on the counter top”.

The doctor turns pale and stammers “What”? “That’s right”, the old fellow continues, “ but no way we can get that durned lid off”.

[AZ-Tax]

What am I suppose to do with this W-2?

Several yrs ago when I prep taxes for a firm no longer in business at a local grocery store, an 18 yr kid comes by and pulled a crunched up W-2 from his pocket for 2004. He asked me what am I suppose to do with this? I looked at him and said, you never filed a tax return have you? His reply was no. Ok, 2 days later he comes back and to pick up his tax return and his eyes got big and said “wow”. Then he pulled another crunched up paper from his pocket and said “what can you do with this one” This one was a 2003 W-2.

[Gretel]

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

I got a good laugh. Shows that creativity can beat the devil.

[Bees Knees]

Paper is not dead

For those who are tired of all the smart phones, tablets, ipods, etc. taking over the world…

http://vimeo.com/61275290

[oceanlovin'ea]

bees knees

That is too funny. That is probably my son-in-law.....I have to send that to him.

I'm still laughing.

Linda, EA